Meaghan (polde) wrote,

I'm really sick of being ignored. I'm sick of being the friend's friend. I'm tired of trying too hard to just be part of the group. It's not me. I'm not at all like the person that everyone sees me as. Whether that's good or bad, I'm not sure. I feel alone because I am alone.

Maybe people think I'm mean or something because I don't talk. I realize that's my problem, I'm shy. I can't stand being shy, I would do anything to get rid of it, but I can't. I've done the drugs, I've tried to talk myself out of it and I've tried to deal with it, but nothing works. The anxiety is always there when I wake up in the morning, and it's a horrible feeling to never feel relaxed. It's hard to think, whether it's true or not, that no one really cares. It's hard to think that people don't even want to get to know you.

The worst part is pretending to be happy. I'm not saying I'm depressed, that's not the case. However, nothing seems to truly make me happy anymore and I have to fake almost all of my smiles. That's sad. Talking about where everyone will be in ten years, I can dream, but I'm afraid of the truth: that I'll be alone in New Hampshire. I can picture myself being the scary old lady with all the cats. It's not what I want. I've always dreamed of the perfect wedding on the beach, but I have never really believed that it would happen. I keep telling myself that I'm ok with that and I guess I have to be.

The past keeps coming back and I wish it would stop because I had just begun to get over it. Suddenly it just turns up one day. I had a dream about it. It was strange. Every time I think about it, it makes me happy. I'm not sure why. I know that it won't actually happen. I keep kidding myself, I think that's the worst part. Not the reality of it all, but the fact that I can't deal with that reality, so I kid myself into thinking everything will work out just the way I wanted it to, which it won't, I know that.

So, in conclusion, nothing seems to be fine and I'm afraid that it will stay that way forever. Sometimes I think the most petty problems are the worst because you realize that they're stupid. Who cares if you end up alone? Who cares if life wasn't what you expected? There are worst things out there. But until I experience those things, (which I hope I never will) the worst part about my life is being alone.
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